#MeToo Umred

#Metoo campaign on Twitter may mean a number of things to many people. To me, this #metoo movement is about calling out and dealing with the elephant in the room – Misogyny. 

Most of us are so blinded by this system that it is difficult to acknowledge that most sexual assaults are many times impossible to prove since these perpetrators try to abuse your body when others are not watching. Even if he or she manages to get some proof or evidence, how many victims/women/girls have the resources to go and fight it out in the courts? There are numerous reasons why a woman may not report such crimes immediately. Does it mean that these women should never speak up even when they find the courage or they are no longer limited by their circumstances?

For generations, men have named, blamed and shamed women by calling her names and raising questions on her character without any fear of a defamation suit. And now when women are raising their voices, men are not safe anymore?

Have you ever wondered why in some circles a man is considered a “hero” based on how many women he can “woo” and a woman is maligned if she just hangs around with men? Some men even resort to creating false stories about women they can never date in real life just to beef up their “manly” persona. Thus giving a false impression to other men that she is an easy game.

How many degenerates were required in this world to generate this idea? If the only way you can find self-worth is through abusing another person, then you must be a truly weak human being indeed. Either that or you are a slave to your “manhood”. In either case, a very pathetic situation which this patriarchy has put you in.

While in India, my body was sexually assaulted at least 4 or 5 times. In most of these cases, the relief of me escaping a scenario which could have been much worse was more overwhelming than the trauma itself. That is how my brain functions but each one processes such undesirable events differently. 

There is just one incident that has been hard for me to come to terms with, so I will share. I respected this person and believed for many years that he was the best example of decency in a man. What bothers me the most is, how could I have been so wrong in my judgment?

I was new to the city and was staying at his place for a few days with his wife, parents, and kids. That day the wife was away, and he was generally talking to me on the Terrace in the evening. When I realized he was crossing the physical boundaries, I used my brain to play it cool until I could reach the door to the stairway. I escaped the first chance I got and ran down the stairs as quickly as I could to reach the apartment where his parents were present. 

The day after, while I was out and walking back to the apartment in the evening, he came from behind in his car and asked me to get in. I refused and said I will walk on my own to the apartment. He persisted and said the apartment was locked and everyone was waiting for me at another friend’s house. I felt bad to have kept everyone waiting, so I got in. He then instead of driving to this place said let’s just drive a little and then we will go. I got a little scared especially when I noticed he was driving to the roads leading to the outskirts of the city. Inside I was blaming myself for again putting myself in a vulnerable state. He stopped the car and tried to molest me again. The universe has always helped me out of such situations because soon after a police car that was patrolling the area stopped and asked him many questions. That must have scared him and he took me to where everyone else was. For that, I am very thankful to the Mumbai police.

There is more on how I avoided being alone with him after that and escaped from him one more time but I will not go into the details here. 

Over the years, I have tried different strategies to get over the incident – ignoring, reconciling, forgiving, pretending and even “acting” nicely with this person just to make it seem like everything was normal and that I have forgiven and forgotten. I will still not name this person because I do not wish to harm his family. But if he ever misbehaves or physically abuses another woman I will not hesitate to name him publicly. Because this is what #metoo movement is about – when one woman shows courage to come out, other woman stands in solidarity and helps to corroborate the story with her own experience. 

What do I expect from this metoo movement? Many things but just to name a few – 

• Men need to unlearn the bollywood lessons on how to flirt and learn a respectable and dignified way of approaching a woman. If a woman does not say “Yes”, men must learn to back-off.
• Phrases like (hansi to phansi, kya maal hain, saali aadhi gharwaali, boys will be boys etc.) that demean and objectify woman should never be common parlance in any normal society. 
• Appalling customs and traditions that masquerade as “Sanskars” and values should be shunned out – A woman’s worth is not based on how well she can cook or how much of a slave she is to her husband. She is her own person and has many talents, cooking could be one but men eating before all the women in a house or parents telling female kids to cook and serve the men, while male kids watch TV is totally unacceptable.

If you really want to be a Sanskari, then please consider learning Sanskrit and find the golden nuggets hidden in ancient literature that speak about true equality and a balance between male and female energies. Try to rise above your false ego that this patriarchy has instilled in you and do not attach yourself just to your gender identity. 

Being human can be construed as an excuse for some men to justify their misdeeds – “I make mistakes I am only human”, but to become a human being who is not preoccupied with proving that he is a “man” requires more an evolution of your mind than your body.